Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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