last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize