I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
