I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize