Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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