I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Please, let me fuck your mom
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
