my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
