everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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