her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize