I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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