I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
