I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
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