We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
