I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
