I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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