did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
