I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
