I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Randomize
