i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
