I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
