dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
