Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
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