I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Randomize
