can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Randomize
