I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
