I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize
