The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
