She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
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