I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize