I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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