I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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