dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I think I sprained my soul last night
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Randomize
