I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I intend to get homeless drunk
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
