Hey man sorry I got all grabby
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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