we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
