wake up i wanna do it froggy style
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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