hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
