I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
