plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
