you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
