You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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