I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
