I think I won the penis lottery.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Randomize
