I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
