my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
My balls are so social today.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Randomize
