I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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