Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
