i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
