census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
