Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
