just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize
