last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
