you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize