I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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