stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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