The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
