We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Randomize
