I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
