I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
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