thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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