Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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