Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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