There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
