I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
